Recap: The Real Housewives of Miami Premiere

  

Ragan Fox

Editor’s Note: Guest blogger Ragan Fox was the self-described “token gay” from Big Brother 12. He is a superfan of The Real Housewives franchise who loves every iteration of the series, even D.C. Now that is brand loyalty.

Before I decimate the ladies of Me-ah-me, you should know and PRECIATE (a la Bad Girls Club Char) how I approach each episode of The Real Housewives. Here are a few basic Foxy theorems designed to help you understand my Housewives calculus:

Bad Grammer Theorem: This theorem is named for the “most hated housewife in the history of Housewives“: Camille Donatacci Grammer Donatacci. There’s a reason why Camille’s friends are on her payroll; she’s a bad, bad Grammer! The Bad Grammer theorem argues that mean characters are needed to grease up the The Real Housewives machine.

Too Much of a Bad Thing Theorem: Evil characters are certainly needed to keep things interesting but too much of a bad thing spoils Atlanta’s peach, OC’s orange, and NYC’s apple. Atlanta’s NeNe Leakes, for instance, has become so insufferable that she’s no longer fun to watch. Contrary to what many of the housewives might think, it is possible to be over-the-top, excessively loud, AND a total bore.

Superman 3 Theorem: In Superman 3, our hero goes through a descent into darkness and becomes a mean, selfish, depressed, loathsome, womanizing drunk. Similar stuff happens from one season to the next in any given iteration of The Real Housewives. One season’s protagonist is the next season’s villain. NeNe (Atlanta) and Jill (NYC) were, at one time, two of my favorite characters and have quickly turned into the most hateful women on their respective shows. Conversely, one season’s antagonist may be the next season’s hero. “Actress” and “fashion designer” Sheree (Atlanta) and Caroline (NJ) both managed to win me over by their second season. Recently, Phaedra Parks of Atlanta proved that the Superman 3 flip can occur in a SINGLE season, wherein Parks started off as a disgusting, pickle-consuming, self-proclaimed future child beater and, by the end of the season, transformed into the program’s most entertaining voice of reason. Bam!

Caricature Theorem: Once a character in any given Housewives show figures out which side her proverbial bread is buttered, she quickly devolves into a caricature of herself. There’s a fine line between Real Housewives fabulosity and the strange paradox of female-to-female transexuality. For proof, see NeNe Leakes (Atlanta), Kim Zolciak (Atlanta), Sheree Whitfield (Atlanta), Danielle Staub (NJ), Kelly Killoren Bensimon (NYC), and Vicky Gunvalson (OC).

Finding Yourself in a Pickle (Instead of the Other Way Around) Theorem: Characters on The Real Housewives have to submit story points that tell producers what interesting events will occur in their lives while a season is scheduled to shoot. Most of the real housewives aren’t that interesting, so they develop elaborate story points that only emerge in their lives because they are being filmed for a reality program. Embrace these moments of crazy, and don’t ask any questions. This theorem has brought us some of the greatest moments in Housewives history, including Phaedra Parks’ pickle-themed pregnancy photo shoot, in which she and her husband simultaneously ate the SAME pick from opposing ends, Lady and the Tramp style.

Now that we’ve got all the basics out of the way, let’s dish Miami. I fancy myself a Housewives soothsayer, or the Alison DuBois (sans martini blackout) of reality TV. After watching one episode of The Real Housewives of Miami, I can predict the future. For my inaugural Mi-ah-me entry, I’d like to provide an assessment of each Miami housewife.

ShereeLarsa Pippen
Larsa is the first to breach the show’s fidelity, or sense of “ringing true.” One of the first sentences out of her mouth is, “I’m Larsa, and I live in Ft. Lauderdale.” This is The Real Housewives of Miami, right? Having Larsa on the show — even if she’s married to Scottie Pippen — is like having a San Diego resident on The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. In the first episode, Larsa ALREADY falls victim to the Finding Yourself in a Pickle Theorem when she asks the ladies if they’d be interested in a group horseback riding adventure. All the women automatically shut her down. Better still, production on this show is so f’ing lazy that they don’t edit out the footage of her failed proposal, so not only do we witness Larsa trying out the Pickle Theorem but we get to see her FAIL! Larsa = SNL’s Nasim Pedrad’s impersonation of Kim Kardashian + 10 years – TV savvy – personality + gun. Prediction: Larsa won’t be asked back for season 2.

ShereeCristy Rice
More than any housewife — make that divorcee — in the franchise’s history, Cristy is painfully aware that she’s being filmed for a reality show and seems totally unnatural in front of Bravo’s cameras. Cristy = Who? + Why? + Huh? – NBA’s Glen Rice. Prediction: NBA wives Larsa and Cristy will try to cultivate personalities by ganging up on some of the show’s more interesting women.

ShereeAdriana De Moura
Adriana has the mentality of reality stars after they’ve been chewed up and spit out by reality TV producers and fans. She’s the girl who spontaneously walks a runway when she’s not part of the fashion show; dances at a restaurant when there’s no music playing; or confuses a busboy for a DJ and asks him to “scratch” some new records and “pump up the jam.” Adriana seems trapped in a crystal meth hallucination; and, if she’s this f’d up in the first episode, I can’t wait to see her when the Caricature Theorem grabs a hold of her. Adriana = Sofia Vergara – talent + vodka – self-esteem + Charo’s wardrobe.

ShereeMarysol Patton
Who cares about Marysol? I am already obsessed with her mother Elsa, a self-proclaimed witch. They got matching DUI’s; and they’re wearing matching black tops in their mug shots. Cuh-yoot! And here’s the craziest part: Marysol looks a MILLION times better in her mug shot than she does on the series. Marysol = her mother – 20 years of liver damage. Prediction: Elsa will garner more attention than Marysol.

ShereeAlexia Echevarria
What can I say about Alexia? That’s not a rhetorical question. After watching her in the premiere, I’m at a loss. Um, let’s see — Alexia bravely admits that, in the looks department, she is way out of her husband’s league. Oh, and she’s got long, blonde hair. For quite some time, I’ve never known when to write “blond” and “blonde.” The internet just taught me that “blonde” is used when referring to a woman. And that’s all I have to say about Alexia. Alexia = a reason for the show to feature her SMOKING hot, now-18-year-old son + figuring out the blonde vs. blonde conundrum. Prediction: Alexia won’t make it past season 2; and she’ll be lucky to make it past the first season.

ShereeLea Black
Lea is a blonde version of Big Brother 10‘s Renny. The face! The voice! R-E-N-N-Y. Lea’s my favorite of the bunch. She’s loud, brash, and seems like she’s the most genuine of the bunch. Plus, she’s from Texas and friends with Dennis Rodman and a drag queen, so, right off the bat, I can tell that Lea’s my kind of people. Lea = the mouth and subtlety of The View‘s Joy Behar + the face of Adrienne Maloof (of RHoBH fame) – tear drop mole/tattoo – hair tinsel – The Palms casino. Prediction: Lea’s my top Superman 3 candidate. I predict that I will fall in love with her this season and, after she becomes a caricature of herself, grow to dislike her by season 3.

Overall first impression of Me-ah-me: Toto, I don’t think we’re in Beverly Hills anymore. The editing’s a mess, half the women induce yawns, and I only LOL’d 3 times. I don’t think Miami’s going to be as bad as DC, but it’s certainly not going to be as compelling as OC, NYC, Atlanta, Beverly Hills, or New Jersey.

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